As the summer shines on an Autumn eve,
whilst God is taught and preached,
it is an unintentional feeling of love
that blossoms from a Student’s seat.
It is not a princess from a fairytale
or a damsel in romantic distress;
but oh, how she could be. The Student’s eyes
distract him so; the curse is set.
The Student knows the feelings he owns
for this… Angel? Not by these teachings,
but an Angel to him. Anyway, he knows his heart
and yet knows that his heart must not be followed.
He’ll spend the evening’s class ignoring eternal promise
in the hope that she might glance his way; God only
knows why she would, but he hopes it nonetheless.
He hopes, he hopes, and she walks from the room.
Was the feeling doused before it alit? Was his
heart set free before him, without the torture of
a poor fool’s entrapment? Of course not, Cupid
would not be so kind.
The class is done and everybody forgets about
God for a few more days. The Student sits in the
gospel corridor as the Shadows pass his way.
What is that among the Shadows? ‘Tis the Angel’s light.
She divides the Shadows and brings purpose to life,
she sees the foolish Student. For a reason
that God would only know, the Angel approaches
and completes the curse that will abound for years.
However, the Student convinces himself of what he knows;
this can not be love, this can not be love.
She tugs at his heartstrings without intent,
but he withstands, holds on to an air of nothing.
The Angel is not seen again, only the few lines
sent between the two over the months ahead.
The Student looks for other flames, something to
keep warm in the winter night.
The Student finds nought but chill in the life,
a friendless society engulfing him. He tries
to defend the bad, believing good can be found
in the heart of the heartless.
The Angel? He knows not, but occasionally he wanders,
he remembers the night when the Shadows divided.
No, the feelings can not stay. They are nothing more than
distractions to a miserable and lifeless life.
The Student must continue to search for that
Perfect Distraction. He must continue to delve into
the Shadows, must embrace the dark confusion,
must lose himself in the sensibly bad.
The Perfect Distraction is still a lifetime away
when the year closes its eyes, but the Angel?
The light reappears for a moment in time.
The Angel reappears for a moment in time.
She challenges the Student’s mind and nothing
makes the sense that it used to. Nothing is right
except for everything that matters, but he remembers;
this can not be love, this can not be love.
He searches the deepest abyss of his heart
and throws those feelings deep inside.
The only thing to find in life is the Perfect Distraction,
the one who will help him stay lost among Shadows.
So the Angel walks away once again, but his feelings
do not; they are locked deep inside. He must keep them
in a cruel paradox of love. He must know that they are there
to never be seen or used again. They must die within.
The months continue and so does the Student’s life.
At least, this is what he is told. But these months are
worse than have ever been. In a year where the Shadows
were meant to bring an illusion of joy, it is only illusion of hate.
A Mask is put before him, one he thinks must be good;
he was told it would be good. By who? Was it God?
Was it himself? Whoever it was had been telling a cruel lie
for this was a Mask worse than the reality it shaped.
He held the Mask close to him for what felt like a lifetime,
but hate will do that. The Student was breaking down
as the Shadows before him gave way to darkness. The
Mask told him it was not dark of night, but light of a new day.
The Mask continued to lie to him with ideas of grandeur,
ideas of the coming of a Perfect Distraction. The Student
believed and held the Mask closer. The Perfect Distraction was
finally known to him, but cruelty had never known a nicer home.
The Perfect Distraction was within reach,
the Mask was held tight,
the Shadows had been embraced,
and they all fell before him.
The Perfect Distraction was one not meant for him,
nor meant to be for anyone. But cruelty knows no boundaries.
After working and striving to make a God, or nothing, happy,
that Perfect Distraction found one of its own.
The Mask was meant to open the shadows to a
happy bubble of life. But cruelty knows no boundaries.
The Mask fell when it was needed most, and the Student saw
the world for what it most awfully was.
The Shadows were meant to be the guidelines to a happy
and fulfilled life. But cruelty knows no boundaries.
The Shadows gave way to emptiness and before him
was left nothing; no Shadow, no Mask, no Perfect Distraction.
No Dark, No Light.
All of life’s importance had fallen before the Student.
Nothing in life was worth anything, and any part of life
was worth nothing. The Student was facing a deep
beyond the Hell he’d once known before.
The Angel. She was there when all seemed lost,
was there when he needed her the most. The Student
had found a reason for life, had found a light
and it was the Angel.
Suddenly, the abyss where those feelings were buried
were nothing but the shallow holes in the sand. The Student
did not mean for them to escape, but he could not help it.
There was finally good in a life of misery.
A spring of love gushed from the Student’s heart,
it could not be held by nothing inside. But the Student
did not care, for he had nothing for a lifetime and the
lifetimes within; now, he had everything in a moment.
The Mask had fallen, the Shadows abated, and the Perfect Distraction
forgotten. The Student no longer needed to
believe in the unbelievable. He only needed to
know of what was now, for the moment would last but a moment.
Suddenly, the Angel was gone yet again. But this time?
Oh, this time the Student did not bury the feelings. The Student
embraced a new way of life, one that let him breathe.
And it felt incredible.
Although the Angel was no longer there,
he knew in his heart that she would return.
But he didn’t need the Angel any longer
to divide the light from the darkness.
The Angel had closed the deep abyss of the Student’s
heart, filling it with light. The Student had the light of
an Angel completing his broken heart, and had guidance
to a new and real life.
I will always remember my Angel.
She has filled my life with worth.
It was simply a path of life;
I must stumble through Hell first.
Heaven has come to me
while I ponder the afterlife.
But no longer for death to I yearn;
it’s to live my days that I strive.
I no longer seek Perfect Distraction
or to hold a Mask to my face.
With an Angel’s light to guide me,
this foolish Student can find his place.
The Angel comes and goes with time,
and she always refills my heart,
but what tomorrow has in store for me
is no one’s but my own path.
© Blake Leitch April 13, 2012